[Heaven's Night]

Ohkay, I might get my reishi delivered today and I got a text message about the PM being in transit, hopefully onboard an airplane. With little luk I may have both very soon and no need to switch to shittier brand in between. I've had to do that once and I don't want it again. As this month is so tight with money, I couldn't yet stock up the way I wanted to, but will do so asap.

Last night I had a sort of mental breakdown. Cried a lot, let out so much frustration, stress and being tired with everything. Its mainly my job that keeps on ruining things. Social exhaustion without a chance to recharge from it. Weekends are busy with music stuff which albeit fun, is also exhausting. I feel like I'm burning out unless I get a relief of some kind. Doesn't make sense to get a sick leave either as I would loose some income and I want to take everything out of the last few months at work. Less than 3 months to go and I think I will just soldier through it and then take several weeks off of everything, go to our summerhouse, go fishing, quit smoking while at it and just take a rest from the world. I need it, badly.

Woke up early today, feeling perhaps slightly better. But all the mental crap I keep carrying around does not leave me so easily. One good night sleep wont take it away. I'm not sure what will. My confidence is still crap, my self image may be somewhat distorted and perhaps I'm reaching towards such horizons I can only dream about. Maybe I'm, as usual, just too harsh on myself... I've heard that told me in the last year or so many times, to be more gentle and forgiving. If it would be easy, I would already be there, but I can't.

Where ever I look, I seem to see my dreams, often feeling like I can never get there, never even close. Like a mountain I need to climb without a map, in a storm while blindfolded. And then I see the greener grass, slim body I dream about which is very difficult to get at without extreme self discipline and putting in energy to it, energy which I don't have... I'm barely staying afloat, barely make it through with my work and on my free time, I'm either exhausted, sleeping or in a complete unmotivated state of catatonia due to being socially drained by all the interaction I get. I'm so much of an introvert these days its weird, seemingly more so each day. And then there's alastonsuomi.com to which I'm quickly getting such hate for, I may take a break from there, or only check comments and do nothing else. I've done that before for the same reasons. I pay too much attention and compare all the time and I can't seem to stop it. When I see men, I see in what I have failed and things that I can't be... When I see women, I see what I can't become and feel like I can only be a cheap imitation. The worst are women with common traits, bodies that have similarities with mine, but they have everything I didn't, they have it by nature and for free or by rigorous exercise and discipline... While for me to reach to those horizons, I need to jump hoops, put in insane amount of effort and trouble and money and yet I probably still can't get there without a truckload of money and surgeons knife which would probably end up not even close as good anyway.

All the nice things many times repeated, you got to rock what you got, got to be happy with what you've been given, concentrate on the good stuff and so on... It feels like empty words to fill the void and feel better about the things I lack. Even though all those pretty words are somewhat true. Trying to think positive is so extremely difficult when I'm surrounded with such perfection which might be only a dream that will just keep escaping me. Every time I reach something, a new goal and feel good about myself the universe comes in trolling me how what I got is still so little and worlds away from what I wish to become. Like the picture I'm going to attach to this posts... That's what I wish to have, but probably never will.

On days like this I curse my shitty luck of having being born to this body and not something else. And still I love it to some extent, if I would hate myself, it would be meaningless to exist. And there's so much that can be done, but I feel I'm burning out and that my options are so few. Its like running a marathon that million others have already won. What am I trying to prove?

Cursed be the bad luck... Even though the chase is better than the catch, why did I end up like this? Had I been born different... Would I be happy? Maybe. And I'm so much better off than most others in the same situation. That doesn't really change it.