[Heaven's Night]

These emotional ups and downs, euphoria followed by the fall, feelings of success, followed by feeling inferior, seeing grass greener on the other side of the fence. Its painful some times. And the cycle repeats. I think once again I'm doubting myself, my possibilities for making dreams come true. And its often false, just in my mind and nowhere else...

I wonder how to keep my spirits up while doing this? Seems impossible to just stay positive, every time I feel so great about something, there comes the fall and rock bottom where I feel as if I'm running, but not moving forward. When I say that these things are not for the faint of heart, this is exactly what I mean by it.  Its a marathon and not a sprint they said. And yet, I've been rather quick. I just began, then why do I feel as if I'm late and should hurry? I'm not even old yet. There's plenty of people who went in much later and made nothing short of miracles to their lives.

This gender bending mind fuck of a mess is truly something to struggle with. At the same time its soothing and fun, brings in excitement and joy, but the other side of the coin is feeling disappointed, some times envious. Looking at my body and seeing shortcomings and lacking instead of success and beauty. Yet all beauty disappears, nothing lasts forever no matter what... More happens in the mind than in the flesh, its either peace or frustration and often the two together. Why does the crude matter of the meat space suit mean so much when happiness cannot be gauged with a measuring tape? Some times I feel like I'm being materialistic and shallow, which isn't really me at all.

But what is truly empowering is to understand that I am the grand architect, the creator and the goddess of my life with endless opportunities to search for happiness. And in the end, happiness is all that matters.