[Heaven's Night]

Ok, I need to vent. When I set sail towards the gender confusion land, I didn't expect things. I didn't know what to expect, not the good, not the bad, nor the ugly. I've been on this pink fog laced mind f*** trip for nearly two years now, actually longer if I could from the time it became evident that I have a problem which I MUST address or regret the rest of my days not delving into.

What I didn't expect is the mental tsunami of confusion, insecurity, boob envy, self awareness and all these things that are happening. Not the positives either to be honest. I knew it few years back that I HAVE to do something about myself, but it never crossed my mind that starting with little bit of boobs would come to this point where it feels like I'm walking in an unknown forest blindfolded where I know my goal but not the path to it.

Last two weeks or so have been specially tough on me. Winters suck, I have too much time to sit on my arse and overthink. I always think and analyze things to the smallest detail and I tend to do it from the point of a stupidly aware perfectionist. Its not wise at all as on its worse, it leads to bitterness, cynicism and a burning need to buy a rope, tie it to a tree above a well, bite a cyanide capsule while lighting myself on fire and jumping down the well. I dunno wth is wrong with me, other than having clear depression symptoms. Some days are good, some are fine, and the last two weeks or so, I've went up and down, zig-zag rollercoaster all the time. Today was no different.

Today's overthinking issue is how unfair the boobieland is, how unfair the whole bleepin' world is. On a website I often mention, I saw this woman who has probably the biggest natural boobs I have ever seen, apparently there is no cup size big enough for her.... And it sure looks that way. My jaw dropped. I can only think of one or two from the adult industry who have something like that and I think this one out of this world woman has more. And then it hit me, the most insidiously disheartening boob envy in the world, along with the realization of how unfair things always seem to be. Here I am, going through a lot of trouble to grow a pair, and ironically doing better than a lot of others with the same 'mission'. And then bang! Out of the woodwork comes another example of some (questionably) lucky girl who has enough boobs to fill out ten pairs of full G cups. How in the *bleep* is that supposed to be fair? I could give endless examples from out there, endless... But on bodily matters I think this stuff is the most glaringly obvious. Specially in the culture we (at least I?) live in where size is such an unhealthy obsession. Something I fall victim to all the time. And others too.

I hate to envy someone, I really do. I wish I somehow had the strength and wisdom to push that kind of lowly thinking aside, but I just can't help it. Specially about boobs its ridiculous, I hear constant praise about my progress, hell, I should be happy, so much so that I would feel pride and had my head so full of piss its pouring out of my ears... But no way, my mind messes it up, the little voice on my shoulder keeps on telling me how I am nothing and fail everything, no matter what. Which is obviously false way of thinking which leads to nowhere good.

And this isn't the most pressing issue I have right now, but that's a matter of another long rant for some other shitty day. This post has gotten long enough so I'll cut long story short and end it here.

Old demons die hard.